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hewasthesuninhersky:

“I want to tell you everything. I want you to know you’re the reason why I keep people at a distance. I’m afraid they’ll suck me in to their misery and let me rot there like you did. I want to tell you how awful I felt about myself when I was around you. I want to tell you how scared I am that you still might come back and take everything from me out of revenge. I want you to know how many excuses I made for you. I want you to know how many people hated you because they loved me and they saw how you hurt me. I want to tell you that I was never who you thought I was; I’m so much more than that. I want to tell you I’m not angry with you at all but I’m angry at myself for letting you do this to me for years. But if I ever saw you I wouldn’t say a word. Because you would never understand. You’re always the victim and you can’t see how your actions affect others. You don’t want to recognize that you take advantage of people who love you. I was once one of those people, but never again.”

pardiswrites:

“The truth is that I’m afraid to dive into someone new. How can I not be? I’m still emptying my lungs from the last time I fell into someone’s waters and explored the depths of them. It’ll be years before I’m done wringing the wetness out of my hair, before I stop smelling the salt of their oceans on my skin. Learning someone new is frightening now. It’s not the adventure it was before. I’m no longer bitter for my heartbreak. My reluctance isn’t a decision I made with a sour mouth. I’m just exhausted by the idea of feeling for someone new. Of treading water with small talk and stories about our childhoods. When I think of him, I am afraid of sinking so deeply into someone again that I am lost to them. In that, I realize I am most afraid that I won’t sink at all. That I’ll always be treading water with anyone that isn’t him. That anyone after him will only know how to meet me at the surface.”

— pardis alia.

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